Tuesday, March 10, 2009

That Darn Cat

First of all, let's just be clear: I am not an amimal person. I don't hate them, I just want nothing to do with them. I feel nothing for them. They are animals. However, Bill and the kids LOVE animals. Therefore, we have a dog and a cat. I am not involved with the pets. They leave me alone, and I leave them alone.

The other day, our cat was wailing and rolling around and acting very strangely. The kids were worried, and were in tears thinking she was sick and was going to die. Because Bill was still in China, I had to pretend like I cared. So to avoid the whole ordeal of having the cat die on my watch, I took the cat to the Vet. As soon as I opened the car door, the cat somehow got out of the carrier and bolted.

I called to the stupid cat, but of course it made me chase it for 20 minutes. Then I gave up and went into the Vet's office, and told them our cat ran into their woods. They called out a big search party, and were trying to comfort me and give me hope that we would find it. I had intended to just cancel my appointment, and tell them I lost our cat, so never mind. But then I was surrounded by animal-lovers, so I had to pretend that I cared. Totally awkward!

As I described the cat's symptoms to the animal-lovers, they all said it sounded like she was in heat. The aminal people looked at me like I was a terrible person. Why hadn't we had her spayed? What, she is not current on her vaccinations? I was surrounded by looks of disapproval, like I was a crack-head mom who didn't change her baby's diapers.

The vet's staff volunteered to keep search parties going throughout the day, and they wanted to make fliers to put up everywhere. On the inside, I was so irritated--this had already taken up my whole morning! But on the outside, I was so grateful to the animal people!

The kids were so relieved that she wasn't sick and going to die. Then I told them I had lost her. They, too, wanted to make fliers. Charlotte made this flier.

Conclusion of the story: The Vet's search party found the cat that night. hooray. I was guilted into spending $300 on the stupid cat by the pressure of the animal-loving Vet staff. That's $300 on a cat. #$%^&*!+#$%

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Cyndi said...

I was smiling through your whole story. After I read Charlotte's flier I was in a full-on-laugh.

Oh Alisa, when I hear you talk about animals I feel like I am reading my future. Then again, Paul doesn't like animals so I think the two of us can dominant our children's dreams.

I think a pet rental would be a great business. I would like to rent one of a week so my kids can have fun, then give it back.

That sounds good to me.

That darn cat. I'm sorry.

Ardis's Adventures said...

This is a fabulous story! I love Charlotte's poster. You are such a great story teller!

Tanner Family Blog said...

Another great story -
you got all the funny genes!

Aimee Erickson said...

Dear Mrs. Fye,
Your ignorance and glib attitude towards living creatures are not to be taken lightly. I am submitting a full report to the A.S.P.C.A. and expect your full cooperation in the pending investigation.
P.S. You should address your crack problem too.

Tina said...

At least you won't have to place kittens!

Ben said...

I love your blog. Dogs are Elizabeth's favorite thing in the world, and Julie and I want nothing to do with them. We have to be nice to their owners so that Elizabeth can pet them.
I can't wait to see you guys this summer. I'll take Max out to talk business over lunch or a round of golf.